


If only you didn't love me

by Sza13



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, True Love, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:14:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26274703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sza13/pseuds/Sza13
Summary: Sad stucky! Hemingway style!
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	If only you didn't love me

"Your girl wrote that, sarge?" 

This is it. This is his moment. He's read about this in those books about the great war. He's talked to enough old soldiers to know what this is. Silence, Cold night, hiding in the bush, and time... well, time is strange. They're waiting for the orders to start the atack. Any second now, they're gonna kill or be killed. This is the truth. And truth is scary. As is the time. As is the bush. As is the cold night. As is the silence. 

This moment, it's what all the books and gray haired soldiers were talking about. The calm before the storm. Seconds, minutes or hours before you're a murderer or a cold bloody body, and that's the moment you wanna let it go. Let all of it go. Talk about your girl, your grumpy neighbor back home, that car you were saving uo to buy. Bare your fucking soul and shout your true self. 

This, may be bucky's last chance to be his true self. 

"Ain't got no girl. My guy wrote it." 

Bucky froze. Did he really say that out loud? Did he? Then why doesn't it hurt? Where's the punch? 

"What's your guy's name?" 

UNBELIEVABLE. 

WHERE'S THE PUNCH? 

WHERE'S THE FUCKING PUNCH? 

"Steve."  
"Is he with the army?"  
"Thank the fuck no! Are you... you... you ain't gonna..."  
"No."  
"Oh..." 

And then, silence. And cold night. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. 

"He ain't in the army 'cause he's to sick. But he's a damned stubborn basterd. He keeps trying to get in." 

Jonsey hadn't asked anything. But this is Bucky's moment. He's gonna talk. Fuck it. He's gonna talk. This might be his last breath before there's a bullet right in his brain. He's gonna talk. Fuck all of it. 

"when the war began, he tought we both were gonna enlist and fight for our country and save the world from nazis and all. He got 4f. And i thought, crist, Allah, yahwe, Zeus, thank you. 'Cause he didn't get it. He saw the glory. It blinded him. He didn't see the one legged mr.anderson. or my cousin amber whose fiancee came back but has to struggle for every breath. Or his own ma who raised him on her own 'cause the war ended his father. He didn't see all that." 

His eyes are fixed on Steve's letter now. He's probably imagining it. But he can feel Steve's warmth on the paper. He can feel the long thin fingers of his left hand holding the paper while his right hand holds the pencil. The paper is a window. Bucky can feel Steve staring at him through it. If lookes really hard, he can see the blue. 

"I think about it sometimes. What if he was here too? What if we both died here? Or worse, what if he died? How was i gonna live? God, how was i gonna live with the pain? Thank got he's sick. For once, thank god he's sick. And nothing's gonna fix an asthma. He ain't gonna end up here. Thank god. But then i think, what if i die here? He loves me as much as i love him. If l die. I wouldn't notice a thing. I'll be gone, finished, the end. But he... oh god, he'll be the one who has to live with that pain. He has to suffer till his hair goes all white. God, wish i don't die. I'm gonna, but wish i weren't. Wish i wasn't in his life. Whis he doesn't love me as much as l love him." 

It hurts. It hurts to wish his stevie didn't know him, or didn't love him. Oh god, what even would he be if his stevie didn't love him? 

The order is given. 

ATTACK. 

There's blood. 

There's screaming. 

There's a pain in his head. 

There's blue.

There's... death??? 

There's someone calling his name. No sarge. His actual name. 

Turns out, there is a way to fix asthma. 

And Turns out, there's no way in hell, steve Rogers wouldn't love him. 

****

He knows he can do this. He knows he doesn't have to die on this plane. He knows he can save himself. But there's pain. There's pain everywhere. And god knows how long would it take for his hair to go white. And god knows he has already ended. Steve died on that train. All of him died. There's nothing left but pain. If he goes down with this plane, the pain will go to. Maybe, years later, whin he's all dust, the wind would carry him, put him on bucky's dust. Maybe ten, twenty, seventy years from now, he can fell bucky again. 

Papers wrote the last thing captain America saw, was the white of ice. But the last thing steve saw, was dark blue. All blue. Everywhere.


End file.
